Who are You?

If you have been wondering where I went...you are not alone!  So have I.  Just when I thought I was starting to get back on track...I am de-railed again.  I have been trying for over a month to figure out the why and purpose of my blog.  It’s part of my ecourse assignment on Building a Blog You Truly Love with the marvelous and beautiful, Liv Lane.  I’ve actually been stumped...almost immobilized with moving forward.  Digging deep and trying to figure out the meaning in why you do things and what you want to accomplish is exhausting work.  And it can be rather frustrating when you starting comparing yourself to others.  But God speaks in mysterious ways and when I saw the quote below on Pinterest, I knew it was no coincidence.

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I need to stop comparing myself to every other person in my class…because by doing that I’m creating self doubt and I’m wondering since I’m struggling with the why and the purpose should I even be here.  And my answer is, YES, of course, I should!  So today I decided to put on my big girl panties, pull up my boot straps (tie them in a knot around my waist) and get to moving.  Nothing worth having is ever easy.  And just because I can't really articulate exactly what I want to accomplish through this blog, I'm not willing to just walk away from something that could become one of the joys of my life!

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I am in the infancy stages of becoming a blogger.  I have a lot to learn and much of that comes with practice.  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  So I will continue thinking and revamping the why and the purpose and I won't just think about my blog when I think about those things.  I will think about all the aspects of my life.  I only have one goal.  To be better tomorrow than I am today.

Below is a little summary of things that make me happy and ultimately define who I am.  I copied this from my FB page.  I like it because it reminds me that joy is found in the simpliest of everyday living...it doesn't have to be complicated or overthought.  When I wrote this about myself, I didn't spend hours perfecting it.  I just typed it out...straight out of my heart. 

"I love chocolate, chips and hot sauce, a good margarita, and the color green. Nothing is better than a clean house and a perfectly mowed lawn. Sitting on my back porch makes me happy. I have 2 children that I adore that are grown now. I am still in love with my husband. I am a list maker and am never too far from my spiral. I believe in God and that Jesus Christ died on the cross to pay for my sins...which is many. Riding in my convertible with the top down is one of my favorite things to do! I love and live passionately. I love candles and anything that smells good. Fall is my favorite time of year. I cry when anything touches my heart. Just about everything touches my heart. I believe in forgiveness. I have wonderful friends. I think the world was a better place when Kermit was here. I am always on a diet. And did I say I love to eat? I take lots of pictures and almost always have my camera with me. I love the smell of stargazer lillies. Red Velvet cake and Doublemint gum remind me of my grandmother. I like all kinds of music, but I seem to be stuck in the 70's. I have to say what's on my mind. I love all potions and lotions and am frequently referred to as diva and/or queen. I love to laugh out loud. I am very competitive. I hate checking my voicemail. My hobbies are working and shopping. I have trouble letting go. I love purses and jewelry. I think "home" is a special place. My flip flops are my favorite shoes. Luxury is a manicure and a pedicure or a nap on a Sunday afternoon. I like trying new things. I am always working on a better me...still am. I believe in peace, faith, love...and rainbows."

I hope today that you wilI stop and think about what your purpose is.  Do you know the WHY and WHO of who you are?  I can feel the winds of change blowing.  Can you feel them too?

The Bliss List

Artwork by Andrea Penn Bain

I'm linking up to Liv Lane's Little Bliss List today.  I really love this idea of recognizing moments of pure joy...goes right along with my thanksliving motto.  For me, in those instances, I feel like I'm literally flying.  My mind and my heart are in sync and I experience happiness all the way through to my core.  Sometimes, the feeling is fleeting, only with me for a just a few seconds.  Life is hard, harder right now for some than others, and I know that. That is why I think it's so important to take note of the small things that have BIG meanings. 

1.    Sitting at table in Kat’s Kitchen (my cousin’s restaurant) with my family while out of town attending my uncle’s memorial service…I felt that flutter in my heart...the kind when you know this is a moment you don’t want to forget. It felt good to be with my parents, my brother and his new fiancée, my sister and her daughter and my wonderful husband.  The best part of that dinner…ordering one of every dessert on the menu and then sharing between the eight of us.  Pure bliss…the memory and the desserts!

2.  This week I've had the radio station set on the oldies station...KLUV to be exact.  And I have experienced pure bliss every morning on my way to work.  There is always a song, or two, or three that take me back to the day.  LOL  This morning I was "Stayin' Alive" with the Bee Gees and doing my John Travolta moves from behind the steering wheel.  The freedom to act a fool with no one watching=total happiness. 

3.   What a way to start a week...on Monday, my cupcake won 2nd place in my workplace "Cupcake Wars."  We do this occassionally when we need to raise money for charity.  This was my first time to enter and what a "sweet' surprise!  (not to mention how helping someone else makes you feel) Thank you, Duncan Hines for thinking up Cinnamon Banana Cupcakes with a Carmel Twist! 

    

4.    When I slip on this ring,  I feel happy.  I’m reminded that I’m meant to fly.  If I had to pick one animal to be it would be a bird.  It’s almost like when this ring is on my hand, no one can cage me...I can soar anywhere...do anything.  This is more than a ring...it's like Superman's cape...Wonderwoman's belt...and when I wear it...I feel the power!  And, look at those short, pink sparkly nails...that mani was so worth it! 

5.  My journey at work has been a long one.  I have been fighting my way back since my position was eliminated in Dec. 2009.  This week when the sales report came out, I was in the top half.  For just a few seconds, I felt satisified.  Pure bliss...but just for a moment...I belong at the top.  :)

6.  There is nothing like being wrapped in a hug from my 24 yr. old son and I got several this last weekend.  I'm smiling just remembering this.

7.  I think it's so mysterious and wonderful when I get a devotional that is meant just for me.  Sometimes it's one I subscribed to and sometimes it's one that my girlfriend, Dei, has forwarded me.  This week, she forwarded 2 in one day...both what I needed.  And my heart was comforted.  And once again, I had to smile, at the Father's timeliness.  Perfect in all ways.

    Where did you find joy at this week?  Are you living in the moment...did you recognize those blessings that got sprinkled in while you were trying to manage this thing called life?  Tell me...I want to know.

     And please do visit Liv's blog...it's a BLISS blog link party...and there's some really good stuff over there.  Happy Friday, friends!

    

Brave Tuesday

Well today has been officially dubbed "Brave Tuesday" by my ecourse instructor, Liv Lane.  I'm supposed to share something courageous.  I'm not sure anyone realizes  how much I'm revealing through these blogs because they all about where I'm at...or not!

I really don't know how to get this out here so I'll just blurt it out.  On Aug. 1st, I had the gastric sleeve surgery.  As I mentioned in my last post, Lightening the Load, I've lost some weight-well, it's expected-more than expected since I've had 80% of my tummy removed.  I haven't necessarily tried to hide this-I just didn't openly share it with everyone.  But I realize it's important to be true to myself...after all, I am growing into a new and better me.

It's hard to admit that you can't shed the pounds without the help of surgery.  And a bit more embarressing is my surgery was a "revision" as I had the Lap-Band surgery in 2001 and had not been successful with it at all.  Maybe that is why I didn't tell many -the fear of failure...again.  But after 40+ years of battling the scale, I was tired of letting the number inside my pants define who I was.  And the older I got, the less it was about how I looked and more about how I felt and my health.

Almost 6 months later, I am 4 sizes smaller and 67 pounds lighter, but I still battle it out with food everyday.  I am an emotional eater.  And I am an emotional person.  These last 3 weeks, I have dealt with death twice and my eating plan has been thrown to the wind.  I've turned to food for comfort.  Right or wrong, it is what it is.  I am who I am.  And I'm under construction in all ways.
Part of this journey is learning to forgive myself, when I get off track and to not listen to that voice inside my head that say's "I can't." 



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I have a ways to go and I'm hoping you will hang around with me.  I still need to lose 35 lbs.  I still need to grow as a person, as a mother, as a daughter, as a wife, a friend...a blogger.  I think we can cheer each other on, guide one another, lift each other up.  I'm anxious to find the parts of me that I feel like I've lost.  And I'm hoping you will find some of yourself here with me.  Because we all have some kind of battle we're fighting, don't we?

May we be brave...everyday.  Peace and love to you all.

Lightening the Load

I have this image in my head...of me on an airplane...and the plane's going down...and this booming voice is telling me to lighten the load or we are going to crash...and I see myself pushing all my baggage out the exit door...it falls to the ground, the lids flying open and out comes...clothes.  Lots and lots of clothes.

I’m not only going through an emotional transition, I’m going through a physical one too.  I made a decision back in August to take control of my health and my weight and since then I’ve lost about 65 lbs…give or take a pound here and there.  You know what has been so hard for me? Letting go of my old clothes.  (Sounds crazy, right?)  I had a huge walk in closet and another bedroom closet filled with clothes, all sorted by season and color. I had been the size I was for a long time and while I did occasionally purge my closet of things I no longer wanted, I still had enough clothes to open a small store.  So as I started to shrink, I started to move the clothes I could no longer wear to a garment rack in the garage.  I gave away some of my things to friends and family and I took my really nice work clothing to consignment stores, but I still had so much "stuff" that it looked like there was a rummage sale going on in my kid's bedrooms.  Clothes that no longer fit over ran the place and I knew I had to get rid of this stuff because it was not only cluttering my house...it was cluttering my mind...but (and it's a BIG but too) I was emotionally attached to these clothes.  (I realize I'm sounding like those people on HOARDERS). 

Art by Jacke Doss

I can't explain exactly how I felt about it but I'm going to try to put some words to it.  I really did not realize just how many clothes I did have.  No one needed that many clothes and I felt guilty that I had so much (and now could wear none of it). And I felt sad, because I really loved those clothes.  They are a reflection of me.  It seemed like each piece of clothing meant something more to me…it was attached to a feeling  or a memory.  Like the black dress I wore out with my husband on our anniversary, the red sweater that I wore to the Big Apple when I went on my first girlfriend's trip, the mustard yellow zip hoodie that reminds me of my trip to Arkansas with my girlfriend, Lora…our first road trip together in my convertible in the fall.  And mostly there was the feeling of being secure in who I was and what I was all about (I’ve kind of lost that confidence...more on that later).  And as stupid as it sounds, they were my crutch, giving me confidence to face the world fearlessly as a plus size woman. (Did I mention I work with the affluent market?)  What I DID realize was having these clothes that didn't fit me all over the place was stressing me out...I didn’t know what to do with all of them...give them away...sell them...donate them...ugh.

And then last week the light bulb went off.  (I know, I know…thank goodness, right?) These clothes had to be gone…like NOW!  They were weighing me down…more than the pounds that I had lost.  They were just more emotional baggage and I was already carrying enough of that.  If you're asking yourself what made me snap out of it...I'll tell you it was a heart to heart with one of my best friends.  Best friends have a way of helping you put things in their proper place.

And just like that ( with a snap of my fingers), my mind was made up. And within less than a week…I am rid of ALL of those clothes.  And my spirit is much lighter for it.  Letting go of this means I can work on de-cluttering something else.  My mind, my thoughts, my heart can focus on things that can make a positive difference in my life.  I’m thinking I can fly (and I’m not talking about in an airplane, people)…and I can tell you... I won't be filing a claim for any of this lost baggage. 

"B" is for Blessings

This is really not about a coffee cup, but that is where it starts.  Monday morning, as I waited for the coffee to finish perking, I reached up into my cabinet and took down one of my very favorite coffee cups.  You can see a picture of it below...mine has a "K" on it.  :)   My mind drifted back to a conversation that I had with my daughter.

We were packing up the kitchen when she was moving into her new place, after her and Blake had finally broke it off.  I had bought her one of these cups with her initial and his initial for her birthday and it just so happened I was packing up the cabinet with the coffee cups in it.  I asked her about keeping the cup with a "B" on it, telling her I could give it to my friend Becky. She took the mug from my hand, and she said something along the lines of "No, I'll keep this for now."  I knew the reason she was keeping the cup was because already, God had put someone in her life to help through the process of moving on and letting go.  His name is Bryan.

I can't explain how or why the pieces start to fall into place except to tell you that it is divine intervention.  I can't even begin to tell you all the ways that Bryan has helped her, but what I can tell you, is that when her heart was shattered, he just happened to be there (God's timing is perfect), and he caught the pieces in his hand.  And while I know her heart is still not whole, I know the man that holds it for right now, realizes that he is holding something very precious.  Now that is one big blessing!  And when I count that blessing, I have to count the ones that followed it.  So here it goes...

From Blogging with a purpose, to Believing everything happens for a reason, to accepting the Beginning of the end, to Best friends that love and support me, to Birds that can fly anywhere they want to, to new Beginnings, to a coffee cup with a "B" on it...I am finding my way.

"B" is for blessings.  "K" is for Kaylee and Karen.

Coffee Cups from one of my favorite stores, Anthropologie.  I highly recommend the one with a "B" on it.  :)

Good Girlfriends

I have been thinking about a lot of things lately in my quest of getting to know ME.  I've been truly blessed during this chapter of life with very good friends.  And that has made me think about that VERY thing…FRIENDS.  Make no doubt about it…God puts the friends in our lives, exactly when we need them OR when they need us. 

It’s not so easy to make GOOD friends anymore, at this age.  Everyone is so busy and has their own life.  It’s during this phase of my life where what was occupying my mind has moved out and now I have all this time and room for other things like FRIENDS.  Graciously, God supplied my need.  I have been influenced, motivated, and supported by 5 women lately.  On my journey to finding me, they have helped me see that I’m not completely lost, just temporarily misplaced.  LOL  And they, with their own lives, their own journeys, are helping me along on mine.  So I thought there was no better time than now to have a tribute to my girlfriends.  It is that time of year after all. 

Lora-thank you having the courage to pursue one of your dreams and by that, giving me the courage to do the same.  I do acknowledge that my opinionated ways might make me appear close minded at times and I thank you for always looking past that and giving me the time and space to mull things over.  And see?  I am open to new ways of thinking.  Seriously, I owe you so much for being the brave one.  My wish is that you look your other dreams in the eye and go as fearlessly after them.

Becky-ahhh….my friend of brutal honesty.  LOL  Thank you for that.  I know that you will not hold back when I need to hear the truth.  I also know I have no other bigger fan when it comes to you (excluding my mother, of course).  Much of who I know as the girl I am today I attribute to you.  You have rubbed off on me in all the right ways.  Here’s to not letting others hit me repeatedly, to touching, smelling and tasting, taking a step back, and most of all,  washing my face in the shower (no more tears).  I love you and you are the best kind of friend to have.  Thank you for pointing out the path I needed to get on and for helping me to begin to let go.  You do so much more for me than words could ever convey, so I won’t even try.

Dei-I think you are my soul mate.  I can tell you anything and I NEVER fear judgment.  Maybe it’s just that we have been friends for such a long time and that we come from similar backgrounds.  We both are on a journey and I’m so thankful to have you with me during this phase of my life.  I know if I get lost, I can call on you and I know if you need me, you will call on me.  We are so much better together.  And I treasure our friendship more than you can ever know.  I don’t think I have a friend that I’m more comfortable just being myself with.

Susan-you have inspired more than any other person lately.  I’m so in awe of you.  Even though you are so private with your feelings and the details of your life (and I’m so not), I’m so impressed with how you carry yourself, with how you deal with obstacles, and downfalls, with personal challenges.  I realize that different life styles shape us in that way but I have come to appreciate and even envy your ability for self control, being able to articulate in those moments when I usually can’t (because I’m so “passionate”  LOL) and at being so hilariously funny!  You are the whole package, girlfriend.  And as you enter the beginning of what I call true adult hood (the forties), I want you to know that you are so far ahead of me.  You already know who you are and what you like and what you should be doing…where you want to go.  So when I stand close to you…know that I’m hoping that some of Susan will leap off of you and land on me!

And last but not least by far…my sister, Carol-you have always been so good at setting boundaries and at prioritizing your time.  And I have always sucked at those 2 things.  Five years is all that separates us, but many times, I feel like you’re the older sister because you are so much wiser.  You figured out so much more about life and what’s important before I did.  And if I want more of anything in 2012 it is more time with you.  I’m sorry it has taken me so long to realize what has been missing.  But I know now…it was me.

To all of you that took time to read this blog, I hope you have some really good friends on your side and I hope that as this new year gets started, you will take the time to take stock of all the influential women in your life that you call “friend” and that you will find a way to tell them how much they mean to you.  Because tomorrow is not guaranteed and because it’s good for them to know and it’s even better for you!

Have an ultimate fabulous 2012… may it be ever so sparkly with every good thing on this earth and may you always have good friends to share it with!

In Search of ME

Repurposed…my new favorite word.  I can apply it to every aspect of my life.  As you might have gathered, I’ve been going through some growing pains.  I have been struggling with letting go of my children, trying to figure out who I am now, and what makes me happy…as I have this huge space that once was over occupied with my daughter and her life.  There I have said it.  (big sigh)

So much has happened lately…things that have my thoughts returning to life and how fragile it is and that there is no time to waste!  You think I would have learned that by how fast time flew by as my kids grew up.  My dear friend lost her mother, my doctor suddenly passed away, a man at my office had a stroke, my son’s co-worker had a stroke…tragic and sad moments have had me thinking…and praying…and counting my blessings.  There have been moments filled with fun and happiness mixed in…gathering with my girlfriends to support our friend with the loss of her mother, visiting another childhood friend who is now a pastor of a small church in a town nearby, moments of discovery in my own mind (and in Joann’s Fabric store)…all have me thinking more on that word…repurposed.

Through all of this, the right side of my brain kicked and suddenly in the midst of looking for a hobby, I felt the need to be creative…so I started looking for something to “make.”  I found Pinterest (www.pinterest.com) and I started reading DIY blogs...the ideas started flowing.  There is something very appealing to me right now about taking something old and making it useful again.  And I think it’s because it’s ME.  I am being “repurposed.”  God is working on me and helping me to find my re-purpose.  I have had some revelations lately and the most surprising is I want to return to some of what I knew in my youth.  After visiting my friend, Kelly’s church, I realized I wanted to find a smaller church where hugging the entire congregation is entirely possible.  After looking inside my mind and heart, I have found I am much more my mother’s daughter than I ever thought.  I have gone recipe crazy and taken a love of old dishes.  And now, the idea of making all my Christmas gifts has me thinking I may want to learn to sew a stitch or pick up a crochet needle.  And I’m digging in the garage…looking for that old picture frame that I can turn into an inspiration board.  Repurposed.  Rededicated. Reborn.  Not just spiritually but mentally.

I know I’m not the only one going through this either.  I have many friends that are re-organizing, re-thinking, re-decorating their lives.  I guess we are all trying to make sure that there are no re-grets at the end of it all.

And for the first time in a few months I feel useful again.  Repurposed…my new favorite word.